Current Mood:

PIty Party

For the past couple days I've been feeling really down in the mouth.  Depressed and lonely and hopeless.  It's been coming for a looong time, too.  I don't want to get up in the morning, I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to edit any of my books, I don't want to be brave (aka stupid) and write a new book.  I feel alone, ignored and not understood.  I just want to hide.  I feel like anything I try, I'm going to fail at. And this last book I wrote... I believed in it so much, but in the end I failed.  I failed, and quite honestly feel like there are no more dreams to pursue.  No goals.  Nothing to look forward to.

I read a post by a fellow writer yesterday (oddly enough, his name is "Patrick") and he mentioned how he subbed his first book, only for it to be rejected.  He wrote another book, submitted it, it was accepted, they asked to see more of his work, and when they saw the first work he did  - which was rejected earlier by everyone - they liked it even more than the one they had just accepted from him.  So I guess sometimes things just have to happen in their own time. 

But that still doesn't change the way I feel NOW.  Who is to say my time will ever come? I feel like if I start writing again, I'm setting myself up for failure and would be humiliated beyond repair.  I'm fine with the rejections... really, I am... it's just that I would feel so differently if at least ONE of those agents had encouraged me. (The few rejections that looked like that turned out to be form letters).  I can't even moan about it to family AT ALL.  I'm talking NEVER.  Most of the family just doesn't take it seriously, and my Mom gets mad when I even utter a short "My writing must suck" comment ONCE every 6 MONTHS or so.  It seems everyone else can bitch and moan about trivial things every single day, but I best keep my mouth shut.  Here they are, complaining about little things and just having a bad day, when all I want is to release in just one short sentence to someone that I'm hurting. That I'm not upset about something small that happened during the day.  I'm upset because this dream of mine might never be realized.  If I keep plugging away - which I likely will - I'm afraid I'll just humiliate myself all over again... and again... and again. Without that encouragement from someone in the literary world, all feels lost and like I'm wasting valuable time.  It feels so very hopeless.  It isn't the rejections, it's the lack of guidance.  They don't tell me what's wrong with it.  If I had just a few opinions/advice, I could decide from there what exactly to change in my manuscript.

Then there's the undeniable fact that my siblings - an older sister and younger brother - are successful in family and career.  Then here I am, fighting battles of my own that they just don't see.  And if they did, they'd be too self-involved to respect it, or even care.  I'm never taken seriously.  To them, I'm just... there.

And I feel REALLY lonely.  My family thinks I'm perfectly content to be flying solo, therefore never have a reason to be lonely.  But while I like my freedom and not being tied down, that doesn't mean I never yearn for companionship.  They have no idea how wrong they are.   They are so not getting it, but I guess a lot of that is my fault.  I mean, it's a perfectly normal first instinct for someone who doesn't have a man at her side, to say she's perfectly fine with things the way they are. That things are okay, and that if the right man ever appears... then great.  And, if not... then that's fine too.

But it isn't fine.

I should be happy, but I'm not. I know it's just temporary and happens to everyone - I mean, it's all part of the human experience - but I get so tired of hiding it.  I am feeling SO LONELY right now.  (I'm always lonely, but am pretty good at hiding it even from myself). And I can't help but firmly believe that if there is someone out there for me, he'll appear one way or another.  I don't believe in all this dating crap. I would much rather be best friends with someone first.  Dating feels so forced and uncomfortable.  I've always felt - 100% - that if there is someone for me out there, he'll show himself.  I don't have to go out searching for him.  The "higher up's" - and me getting out of the house - will make our paths cross somehow.  (Through a positive means, I would hope). Besides, how many times have I read that once you stop looking... that's when he shows up?  If you focus on YOURSELF and your own happiness he'll come straight out of nowhere, surprising you. 

Anyway, I am tired of hiding all this. At least on this blog I don't have to, so that's good.

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Current Mood:

So bored

It's time to start Christmas shopping!  So far I've only bought one present for my SIL which I bought at Disney World.  At the mall the other day I did get ideas for Mom's gifts though.

Well, the school has not been calling... until today, when I was unavailable.   They must have called seven times today.

I was unavailable because I needed to hold down the fort while Mom and Dad went to work on our land.  My grandmother met them up there, and they met all the neighbors.  Mom says they are SO FRIENDLY... real country folk, ya know - and expressed how glad they were that we bought the land.  (Even though one of them wanted to buy the land since it's connected to theirs.  They tried buying it once, but it was too expensive back then.  They said they would have bought it this time if they'd known it'd gone down in price so much.  We really did get a FANTASTIC deal on it.  We loved the 3 acres a lot more, but the owner and agent were such @sses that we gave up.  Also, at the time Mom was really sick with kidney stones and Dad was out of state again, so that made it difficult too).  They really liked Mom and Dad, and told them so.  They also - every single one of them - expressed how much they dislike the original owner of the land.  Every single person that bought acreage and/or had one of his houses built, had nothing but bad things to say about him.  It seems we weren't alone in our view of him.  He's a minister/builder.

Mom says they were also introduced to one of the neighbor's pets.  That is, their two dogs, a burro named "Hugs" (prematurely born, weighing barely over 1 pound at birth), and their cattle.    (I LOVE COWS!!!!) Mom says the dogs were very friendly, and all day the cows kept coming near Mom and Dad.  Lol!  I guess they were curious about Mom and Dad, too.  The neighbors even told Mom what store they buy their little burro's feed from, and to feel free to feed him that at anytime.

I wanted to go with them today, but Mom said they had lots of work to do out there.  They had to finish the fence, etc. and Mom said that she would not be going into town - 10 miles away - for a potty break.  So, yeah... you bet I elected to stay behind.  I guess I'm just not THAT country after all.  (Mom and Dad both grew up country either at home or with the grandparents, but I've always lived in the city... reluctantly of course).

We do need to go back to get rid of the poison ivy out there.

Ooh!  One of the neighbors (Wilbur I think?) said he would mow the land for us.  Isn't that SWEET?!

This is funny.  I think it was a set up (with Bonnie in on it since there's a "Hi" text from her first that was never brought up), but it was still hilarious.  The staff did "Twitter" that it really was Gerry texting her.

To me, it was obvious it was really him.  His picture reply was soooo Gerry.  He's so funny and such a tease.  I REALLY WANT HIM AND BONNIE TO DO A COMEDY TOGETHER!!!!!  Those two got along beautifully in his interview a few weeks ago.  It's clear Bonnie has a crush on him, but really likes his personality too. 

Why can't the man hook up with someone like her?  They'd be adorable together!  Of course, Gerry isn't into blondes and girls his own age it seems.  He likes the younger, more exotic lasses.

Below is yet another tv appearance I missed.  It's cute, too.  Those two act like brothers!

Win a Date with Gerry -  Kids Kicking Cancer

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Current Mood:

Not Surprised

So here Dad was moping around the house and being incredibly rude to Mom all weekend.  He was feeling all sorry for himself, his face in his hands, all the while rubbing it in that he now has no job and she can't spend one dime on anything unless it's life or death.

Well, turns out he kept PERTINENT information from Mom again.  Several days ago he spoke to a friend he used to work with, and from talking with him on the phone he learned that they might hire him back.  (He worked there years ago, and they LOVED him.  Dad is a well-respected employee, no question.  The higher-up's like him, and Dad's employee's like him). 

So all weekend Mom was stressing over all this, as well as being the recipient of some horrible behavior from Dad, when the entire time THERE WAS HOPE TO LATCH ON TO!

He knows Mom's blood pressure is still dangerously high, but he doesn't seem to care.  Sometimes I swear it's like he wants her to die from stress.  It's an evil thought, I know, but his actions are putting that thought there.

And Mom went to the doctor today for her appointment.  Turns out she has to go back yet again next month.  Her blood pressure and pulse are still dangerously high.  It was so high today that they gave her a big shot of Magnesium. 

I wish they could get the meds right for once, because this is ridiculous.  They need to see her more often than they do, too.  Only going once a month, with all her health problems, is just unsafe.  The doctor is still worried about Mom's kidneys, too. 

And Mom still has a stone to pass.  That Hellish lithrotripsy procedure she had done didn't help much, did it.

I felt the need to watch a good black-&-white movie over the weekend, so finally I chose the 1954 flick "She Couldn't Say No."  If you've never seen it, give it a try.  (Although I think it's hard to find). The beginning drags, but the rest is pretty cute.  The first time I saw it was several years ago on tv. 

I like Mitchum's character because he's sort of an alpha male.   His character belongs between the covers of a romance novel. 

Feeling depressed, and quite frankly lost right now, so it's time for some Gerry Juice.  I haven't posted any on here in a while:

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Current Mood:

Busy, busy, busy....

Been cleaning the house ALL DAY LONG, and I'm still not finished.  The kids arrive tomorrow!  When we went to the Battle of the Bands a few weeks ago, I never got to see my nephew at all.  This time I WILL!  (He'll come to the house after the competition, around 9pm). 

And to prove how much I need a hug from my favorite nephew--

I had a dream last night where - once again - he was a baby.  My sister brought him to our house, only to take him back before I could even say Hello!    Thew little guy was still in his carseat when my sister decided to just go back home.

So yep, those have been my dreams lately.  He's in HIGH SCHOOL now, and a few weeks ago I kept dreaming about him as a newborn and toddler.  Aunt Kristin is really having a hard time with this 'Lukie is growing up' bit.

When his sister gets into High School, I'll have issues all over again I am sure.   I really need to just get over it, but.... those kids are getting TALLER THAN ME!  Autumn is almost the same height as me, and Luke is already way taller.  (He keeps rubbing it in, by the way ).

Anyway, below is a pic of their Halloween treat bags & cupcakes that Mom made:

Healthwise, I definitely think I'm better now.   For the first time in 2 weeks,  I woke up feeling pretty okay.  My coughing fit came later in the morning, but never returned.  Today was the first day I could talk and eat a meal without coughing, too. My throat is still parched at times, but I'll deal with it.

Update:

Okay, it's nighttime now and the cough is back.  Not as bad as before, but it's there.  And again, I can't talk without coughing as well. Why is it worse at night?

Mad at the neighbors.  Mom bought them souvenirs from Disney, and they never even thanked her.  Only one of them did; the neighbor that checked on the dogs after school.

Tomorrow is Halloween!

And the weather tonight is WONDERFUL!  It's going to be 46 degrees!!!!!!!!!  Maybe it won't be all humid and sticky and hot tomorrow night.  I think it's supposed to be in the 70's tomorrow.

I love the song in the video below!  I was introduced to it at MNSSHP at Disney World last October.  It didn't dawn on me until later that it was from The Nightmare Before Christmas.

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Current Mood:

How Many Days?

Halloween is coming way too fast.  I'm excited about this year though because the kids' will be here!  Luke has his last Battle of the Bands taking place nearby, so they're spending the night with us.

FINALLY, I'll get my hug from Luke!!!!!  I haven't really seen him since the very beginning of this summer, and that was just for a few days.

I hear that the kids' are bummed about missing most of Halloween, but my sister says they can't stop talking about coming here... especially Luke.

And did I mention I'll finally be getting my hug from my favorite nephew?   (Yes, he's my only nephew but if I had 10 of them he'd be my favorite).

When we go see him perform at The Battle of the Bands, my niece is going to be so happy at my thoughtfulness.  Lol!  Just like the last time, I'm bringing her treats.... only lots more this time.  Just last night I set aside a bag of Halloween candy for her to snack on while at the stadium.  When she and her brother get to the house, Mom has a HUGE trick-or-treat bag of candy and goodies for them.  We just felt so bad that they'll be missing out on Halloween this year. 

And wouldn't you know that the LAST Battle of the Bands competition this year is the one on Halloween. I think Luke is very happy about it being over, regardless.  I hear that he absolutely loves playing at the football games but is tired of all the weekend competitions.  They're really tiring him out.  I mean he's become really EXHAUSTED. 

I really don't get why high schools make marching band take up SO MUCH of these kids' time.  It's one reason why I left band come Freshman year.  If there were a symphonic band in high school, I'd have stayed in a heartbeat.

Feeling lots better today

I've been sick since I was at Disney World on the 18th, but I think I turned a corner last night.  All of last night (well, every single night but most especially last night) I was coughing up a storm.  I mean, I remember being half-awake last night, dreaming and coughing at the same time.   It was just constant.

But today my voice is more back to normal, when I woke up this morning my throat wasn't as hellishy dry, the tickle in my throat is going away, and when I do cough I don't always sound like some wounded donkey.   

So far, so good.  Maybe I'll actually catch some ZZZzzzz's tonight.

<Knock on Wood>

Whispering Oak

Tomorrow we close on our land in La Grange!!!!!  Of course, the weather is going to be horrific - strong storms and winds - so plans have changed.  Grandma was going to meet us up there, but we told her to wait until we go back when the weather cooperates.  And we wanted to buy and put up our iron gate on the property, too, but now that has to be put on hold.

By the way, Mom and I came up with the name "Whispering Oak" for our land.

But yesterday I thought of a silly Disney name.

The Land.

For those not familiar with Disney lingo, that's a place at EPCOT in Disney World.   My brother says we should name our barn The Pavillion then. (Also related to Disney's EPCOT).

Disney Halloween Treat

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